Bathroom Humor

Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.

Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says, "Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"

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A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."

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A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest room.

He's told that it's around the back of the building, so he heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a shit, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads, 'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention.'

So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through.

The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger.

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There was a man that really had to take a shit, so he went into a nearby bar and asked the bartender where the bathrooms were. The bartender said, "Go upstairs and it is the 2nd door on the right." So the man went upstairs and couldn't find the bathrooms anywhere. He looked in every door there was. He really really had to take a shit by that time, so he saw a hole in the floor and he decided to take a crap in it. So he went ahead and did his business.

After he had relieved himself, he went back downstairs and noticed there was nobody in the bar. He asked the bartender, "Where did everybody go?"

The bartender replied, "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

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Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Martin said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

"What did you do that for?" Martin said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."

"Cripes," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

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A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

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Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place.

"You can't make any noise," she warns him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!"

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. "I have to go," he says.

"Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom," she replies. "Use the kitchen sink."

So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks, "Do you have any toilet paper?"

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Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager.

He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.

His business manager says, "Sean, what's the story? Do you need an operation or something?"

Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that every time I go into a public restroom, and I'm taking a piss, the guy next to me always turns towards me and says, "Hey! Are you Sean Connery?"

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Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asked, "Well,... how do you deal with the problem?"

"Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him!

She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?"

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A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."