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My Favorite Doctor Jokes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.


My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"


The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I Am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"


A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day."

Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?"

"I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"


The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"


The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window".

"What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!"


A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"

The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"


"Doctor, my knee hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"


A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"


A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!"

"Okay, you're ugly too!"


"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"


Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office".

Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."


I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club."

The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!


Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.


"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."


The Doctor called me saying "David, your check came back." I answered "So did my arthritis!"


When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father,

"We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."


I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up.

What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."


I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.


A man comes into the Emergency Room and yells, "My wifeís going To have her baby in the cab!"

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the ladyís dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patientís anterior chest wall.

"Big breaths," I instructed. "Well...., they used to be"


"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "Sit down and I'll deal with you later."


"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!" "What's come over you?"


"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!" "Pull yourself together!"


"Doctor! Doctor! It hurts when I do that!" "Don't do that!"


"Doctor! Doctor! I was shot in six places!" "Stay out of those places!"