Medical Funnies

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians.

  • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

  • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

  • She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

  • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983

  • Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

  • I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

  • Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

  • The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

  • The patient refused an autopsy.

  • The patient has no past history of suicides.

  • The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

  • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

  • The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

  • She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

  • The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

  • The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

  • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

  • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

  • Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

  • She is numb from her toes down.

  • While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

  • The skin was moist and dry.

  • Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

  • Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.

  • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the rooms.


MD during a physical exam, stated, in my ears, "I am unable to arouse this woman", personally, I really don't think he should have bragged about it.

True Doctor Stories

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. 

"Well, they used to be," remorsed the patient.


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart,"


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly." Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see, Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."


And of course, the best is saved for last.... I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY jelly."



Pharmacist: A lady walked into a pharmacy & spoke to the pharmacist. She asked: "Do you have viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," He answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked "I can if I take two," he answered.